AissatanN

The past couple of months I'd been reminiscing all the lovely things about high school.  I've practically been in a swoon over it, wishing I were back there for just a little bit longer.  High school was just an excuse to slack off and do whatever I wanted.  There was that unburdened freedom to let my brain go to come up with whatever the hell it wanted to come up with, and there was an incredibly fun creativity that came with that.  I didn't pretend to be an academic, I wasn't going to a university.  I did what I had to to get by and graduate, and that left me with more time than I knew what to do with.  Except I did know what to do with it, and the towering stack of sketchbooks in my closet comes mostly from back then. 

So yeah, I'm better now technically, but I was more imaginative back then.  I had more fun with it back then... getting good was more of a personal goal, where now it's something I could depend on.  Something I know my self-worth depends on, at very least.  It's a more serious task now than it used to be.

Bah, but what are rose-colored glasses?


Heh... then last night, when I was least expecting it, I was quite suddenly hit in the face by a ton of bricks.  A metaphorical ton of bricks of course... that being, in one nasty tidal wave, I remembered everything I hated about high school. 

And there was a fuckload.

I didn't realize until last night how much I've changed since then, even in little things.  I'm quite a shy person, and my confidence varies vastly from situation to situation... but in high school I was exceptionally insecure.  I mean, there were certain, quite normal instances where I just couldn't function from insecurity.  Being insecure failed me in journalism, where as now if I took that class I know I'd own.  I just couldn't handle the whole 'group socialization' thing.  Even my friends weren't really close friends, just the people I had lunch with between classes.  I felt uncomfortable around them, without ever knowing why.

Then again, that never went away.  I've never been able to get close to people, or integrate into a group well.  And it's all me... even when I'm totally welcomed, I'll only put one foot in.  I guess that'll never really fade. 

But back then, it sucked the energy out of me.  Just remembering last night made me sick like it always used to. 

And yeah, I didn't really care about getting into a university or anything, but the disappointment of my teachers when I would be half-assed about everything was always a cloud over my head.  I hated it, but when it came down to it... sitting and drawing was the choice I always made over homework. 

Senior year I hated it so much that I almost ditched a quarter's worth of classes.  I know that in my last semester, I would ditch at least one class a week... usually more.  It was a shitty mixture of gladness that I wasn't where I didn't want to be, but disgust that I was basically being such an underachiever. 

Sooo... rose-colored glasses!?   Where'd you go?  XP  Bah, the mixture of the good and the bad are what makes up life's experiences, I guess.  I'm still glad of high school.  It wasn't exactly a roller-coaster.... but at least it was a ride. 

In four days I'll be off selling my soul to petsmart for the next two years.  Yes, indeed... I will officially be a groomer, trapped within a contract binding my blood and sweat to corporate America.  Huzzah. 

Well, at least I will be making the much needed monies.  Gah.

Also, I need to watch the movie North Country sometime between now and 6pm tomorrow.  I really don't want to, I already saw the end.  But I  am a studious being, so I must anyway!